


ace of swords

by galpalaven



Series: Buzzfeed Unsolved AU [2]
Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Established Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Modern AU, Panic Attacks, Sort of? - Freeform, and Julian gets to do the comforting, buzzfeed unsolved au, in which Nox is insecure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 07:57:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16013639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galpalaven/pseuds/galpalaven
Summary: Nox and Julian's first big misunderstanding puts their communication skills to the test.





	ace of swords

It starts with a comment.

Or rather, _comments_.

It’s not the first time she’s seen the comments about her and Julian, of course, as she has to comb through them for the Post Mortem episodes to find questions to answer. They’d been pretty bad before, back when she and Julian were supposedly just friends, but since they’d announced their relationship they’d gotten worse. More descriptive. Vulgar, even. One after another wondering if they’d done it in the haunted hotels, how she likes it, how he likes it, favorite positions, whether she’s any good with her mouth, etcetera etcetera.

It makes her uncomfortable, no doubt about that. Makes her feel dirty, like she’s nothing but an object for these faceless people to fantasize about—her and her boyfriend.

Her stomach turns as she keeps reading, and it doesn’t help when Julian makes a joke about it, sitting in the desk beside her.

“I know I’m into some wild things,” he says lightly, “but some of these people and their comments make me feel like a prude.”

It’s obviously a joke, and he means nothing by it, because he looks up at her expectantly, smiling, but the sudden lump in her throat makes it hard to smile back convincingly. For a moment, she’s not sure what it is that’s making her this uncomfortable, because this isn’t the first time she’s been confronted with too much sex talk on the internet, but it hasn’t been like _this_ in… _years_ , probably.

Julian’s face falls immediately, concern washing over his features, and the knot of anxiety building in her chest just worsens as he leans forward a little in his seat and asks, “Are you okay? You’re looking a little…”

The tension in her chest pulls a little tighter, and her breath starts to get shallow, and—

_Oh, no. No, no, no._

Swallowing thickly, she sucks in a sharp breath, pushing away from the desk while mumbling something about needing something to drink before he can say anything else.

All she needs is a glass of ice water, maybe a splash of cold water on her face, and she’ll be fine. At least until she can get home and have a proper meltdown in the shower, where he can’t see.

She thinks about staying in the breakroom, but she doesn’t want Julian to come looking for her, not yet, so she retreats into the women’s restroom. It’s thankfully empty, as she stumbles over to the sink, running the cold water and splashing it on her face. Bracing her hands on either side of the sink, she starts trying to control her breathing, slowly in and out, trying to calm her heart rate as her mind races, pressing cold fingers to the back of her neck.

She’s purposefully not allowing herself to think about what’s actually making her upset, because she knows what’s wrong and she just—doesn’t need to think about that right now.

Not right now, not right now, _not right now._

“...Nox?”

She manages not to jump as Adore’s voice breaks through the rushing of her pulse in her ears.

“Julian said you’ve been in here a while. You alright?” she asks curiously, leaning against the door.

Nox briefly wishes she’d had the forethought to lock the door behind her, but it’s too late now as she sniffs and splashes her faces with water again. “I’m fine.”

“Feelin’ sick? You didn’t eat that old piece of birthday cake that was in the fridge, did you?”

Nox smiles a little and shakes her head. “No. I’m just a little—anxious, I guess.”

Adore tilts her head, eyes soft in the reflection. “You need to clock out early? I can cover for you. And Julian, if you want.”

The fist around Nox’s heart squeezes painfully at the thought of riding home with him, and for once, she shakes her head, reaching for the paper towel dispenser and taking a shaky breath.

“I’m gonna take an Uber. He doesn’t need to get to lose a personal day because of me.”

Adore frowns at that, but lets Nox brush past her anyway, out into the kitchen, only to find her boyfriend sitting at the table with his laptop. He scrambles to pull his headphones out when he notices her, concern written all over his face as he starts to rise from his seat. “Nox! I was getting worried. Are you alright? Do you need me to—?”

“—I’m gonna go home,” she says flatly, holding a hand up to stop him. “My stomach hurts.”

He stands fully, closing his laptop and scooping it up. “Okay. That’s a good idea. Let’s go home and we can—”

“I’m taking an Uber,” she interrupts, and though she’s avoiding his eyes, she can see his jaw drop very clearly. “You don’t need to lose another personal day just because Miss Anxiety decided to bother me at random.”

“But…”

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it,” she says, eyes on her phone screen instead of his face. It would be nice to have a few hours to herself before he came home, at least. She could have her meltdown in peace, and then be able to talk like a reasonable adult by the time he got home.

...Hopefully, anyway.

As she returns to her desk to pack her things, her boyfriend hovers anxiously, obviously worried for her, and it makes her heart squeeze when she catches a glimpse of the concern shining in his eyes. The lump in her throat is getting worse by the second, and if she doesn’t get out _soon_ —

“...I’ll bring home dinner when I get out of here in a few hours. Does that sound good?”

Nox blinks, and her eyes refocus on Julian’s face as he smiles down at her hopefully. She takes a shallow breath and nods, mumbling to the best of her ability, “Yeah. Sounds good.”

He smiles a little more, and moves almost like he’s about to reach up and touch her cheek, but he catches himself at the last moment when she tenses uncomfortably. His shoulders slump a little, and his voice is forcefully light as he asks, “Anything you’re in the mood for?”

She opens her mouth, inhaling shakily, mind racing as she tries to guess whether or not her nerves can handle this much of a conversation, when her phone buzzes in her hand, and she exhales in relief. “I gotta go. I’ll text you about dinner before you leave?”

Julian nods once, and she can tell that he can tell she’s in a hurry to get away from him. “Okay,” falls flatly from his lips, and she hates herself for the pain etched into the wrinkle in his brow, but she can’t stay here and have this happen at work. “Text me when you get home, too, so I know you’re okay?”

“I will.”

And she turns before he can say anything else, weaving around desks to head down to the lobby to meet her car. A few people wish her well on the way out, and she must really look bad because the Uber even asks when she slides into the back seat and sniffles. She mumbles something about _please just take me to my apartment_ , and goes quiet.

 

* * *

 

Nox almost doesn’t make it through the door before the tidal wave of anxiety crashes over her. She half falls out of the car when they reach her building, having already started crying a little bit on the way home, and she wipes miserably at her wet cheeks as she makes her way into the building.

It’s the middle of the day, so there’s luckily no one else to run into as she stumbles half blind through the lobby, holding her breath as it hitches, trying to bite back the sobs at least until she reaches the elevator. It takes it a solid minute to come down to get her, and by then her knees are starting to go numb, and she sighs with relief when the doors finally open.

She watches the elevator number with the intensity of a hawk on the ride up, as she slumps in the corner against the handrail, vision blurring as her eyes well with tears that drip hot and thick down her cheeks when the door finally opens on her floor. Nox is acutely aware of the hitching of her breath as she makes her way down the hallway, fumbling for her key and nearly losing her admittedly shaky grip on her composure when all of her keys tumble to the floor.

After another few minutes of struggling, she finally opens the door to her apartment, sucking in a gasp of air so deep and relieved it feels like she’d been holding her breath for hours (and maybe she had). She doesn’t get very far inside, shutting the door behind her and leaning back against the cold surface and dropping her head back against it, closing her eyes as more tears fall now, faster and more consistent.

Safe inside the privacy of her own home, she finally lets the anxious thoughts race, dropping her bag beside her feet and reaching up to bury her face in her hands, pressing the heels of her palms hard to her eyes.

 _Three months, we’ve been together three months, almost four, and he_ lives _with me. Moving in is the tipping point, the expectation of_ that _step always follows behind it, if it doesn’t come before._

 _He’s expecting it, he’s expecting it, he’s expecting this, and he’s not_ —I’m _not_ — _not into the same_ —

She cuts herself off as a rough sob tears from her throat, and she finally pushes away from the door, lunging for her kitchen sink, leaning on the counter and sobbing into the basin. She runs her hands through her hair, tugging hard, trying to breathe, counting backwards from ten a few times until she can suck in a slower breath. Sniffling miserably, she turns the cold water on and splashes her face a few times, running her chilled fingers along the back of her neck and sighing heavily. She carefully avoids thinking about anything but the cold water and the feeling of her breath, because she doesn’t want to do this, doesn’t want to let this stupid fit last any longer than it absolutely needs to.

When she feels a little more in control, she digs her phone out of her pocket and finds a few texts.

 

 ** _Adore >:3c:_ ** _i kno u said it was anxiety but if hes done something to u to make u like this jus say the word and ill kill him for u_

 **_Ilya <3:_ ** _let me know when you get home! <3 _

**_Pasha ^w^:_ ** _hey!! ilya said you were sick :( should i come over? I’ve got plenty of time this afternoon! I could make you my famous chicken noodle soup and we could watch cheesy romcoms until ilya gets off work_

 

The texts make her laugh a little bit, as she wipes at her cheeks, breath hitching as she rests her cheek on her shoulder and types responses. She sends Julian a little “ _made it home!”_ text just as Kala hops up onto the sink, meowing accusingly and purring loudly.

Nox smiles tiredly at her cat, who just walks a few steps closer and bumps her forehead into hers, making her actually laugh as she accepts the snuggles.

“Hey, kitty kitty,” she coos, reaching up to rub at one of her little black cat’s ears. “What’s up? What’s happening? Am I upset?””

Kala opens her pretty golden eyes, the exact same color as Nox’s, and blinks seriously. Once, twice, and then she opens her mouth and meows loudly, jumping off the counter and trotting over to the couch, then jumping up and kneading on Nox’s favorite throw pillow while maintaining direct eye contact.

Well. That was extremely clear.

Affection washing over Nox’s skin in the place of the anxiety, she sniffles again and follows her cat, grabbing the soft throw off the back of the couch as she nudges the cat out of the way and stretches out on the cushions. Kala settles directly on Nox’s chest, purring louder than Nox has ever heard her outside of whenever she’s curled up on Julian’s shoulders, and the vibrations have Nox melting in minutes, finally able to take a deep breath again.

Still feeling fragile, but not on the verge of totally shattering at the moment, Nox turns on something mindless on Netflix and texts her friends back. She tells Adore to please not bother Julian, and waves Portia’s offer of company off as well. At some point, she and Julian decide on Chinese food for dinner, and after that it’s a blur, as she dozes off under the constant comforting purr of Kala where she lays on top of her…

 

* * *

  

Nox wakes up to the sound of her apartment door opening, though if that hadn’t woken her, Kala using her sternum as a springboard to leap off the couch and greet Julian with a very loud cat lecture would have.

“What?? What is it, Kala?” she hears her boyfriend gasp, pretending like he can understand the cat, and she grins a little, twisting until she can see him as he struggles to set everything down on the table with the little screaming black cat twisting around his calves. He smiles at her when he catches her gaze, and greets her with a warm, “Hey!”

“Hey,” she replies hoarsely, wincing at the sound of her voice, but he doesn’t say anything—even though she’s pretty sure he can tell she’s been crying.

He’d apparently stopped somewhere for groceries on the way home, and her eyes start to sting again when she catches sight of the vase full of flowers he’s set in the center of their kitchen table. Nox watches him from the sofa for a beat as he puts a tub of ice cream away in the freezer, Kala still complaining and twisting around his legs as he laughs. She jumps up onto the kitchen table when he returns to it, and he scratches at her ear fondly before leaning down to press a kiss to her little cat head.

“Are you yelling at me because Mommy doesn’t feel good? Is that it?” he asks softly.

“I think she’s yelling at you because you’re late,” Nox answers, rolling back onto her back and checking the time on her phone, “and you know she’s about as in love with you as I am.”

Julian laughs warmly, shrugging his jacket off and kicking his shoes off by the door before he makes his way over to her.

“Yes, well, she’ll get over it. I thought you might need some pick-me-ups tonight,” he says, bending to press a kiss to her forehead, lingering just a little bit before he pulls away again. He runs a hand through her hair, fingers feather light against her skin, as he asks, “Are you feeling any better, love?”

Actually, her anxiety is coming back full force, apparently, if the tightness in her chest is anything to go by. She avoids his gaze as he moves his touch to her cheek, closing her eyes and leaning into his palm, trying to pretend like her eyes aren’t stinging with tears again.

“...Nox?”

Julian sits carefully on the edge of the coffee table as she bites at her lip, moving his hands away in case that’s what’s upsetting her. She takes a deep breath that hitches embarrassingly, fixing her eyes on a spot on the wall. She tries to find the words to explain what she’s feeling, but every thought just sort of dissolves into _I don’t want to do this_ , and after a long, tense couple of minutes, Julian speaks again.

“...Nox, have I done something wrong?”

Her heart sinks, and she shakes her head immediately, grimacing. She still can’t look at him. “No, Ilya, that’s—that’s not—you didn’t do anything.”

Julian’s breath escapes him in a rush. “Are you _sure_?”

She hiccups, nodding as she brings her hands to her face, rubbing roughly, trying to force the tears back inside. “It’s not you, I—I just…”

He waits for her to continue, but every time she tries to say something— _anything_ , at this point, because she can feel his heart threatening to shatter and it’s killing her—she just snaps her mouth shut.

How is she supposed to explain to him that she’s not treating him right? That she’s a bad person and he should’ve thought twice before moving in with her because she can’t give him what he needs? That she can’t give it to him and she’s too selfish to be comfortable with an open relationship?

“Is it the move?” he tries after a few minutes. When she shakes her head vehemently, he pushes forward. “Are you sure? Because it’s okay if you’re having second thoughts, Nox. If you feel like we’re moving too fast, we can slow down. I can—I can get a hotel for a couple days. Give you space—”

“— _No!_ ” she gasps, eyes shooting open to look at him again, fear shooting up her spine. “ _No, no, I don’t want—that’s what I’m worried ab—please, don’t leave me, Ilya, I’m sorry, I’m sorry_ …”

His face crumples as the anxiety attack starts to win completely, her breath coming faster now, shallow and uneven, and there’s no fighting this one, because she knows he’ll want to leave once he drags this out of her. Once she tells him that she’s boring and probably broken, he won’t want to stay. Just like the last relationship she had. She’s not worth it and she _just_ —

“I—I can’t do this,” she gasps, throwing the blanket off and moving to rise from the couch.

Julian touches his hands to her shoulders, not pushing like she expected but steadying, helping her when she sways precariously before bolting for the bathroom, nearly tripping over his feet on the way.

She stumbles into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her and bracing her hands on the sink, meeting her own miserable gaze in the reflection.

For a brief millisecond, she wonders what the masses would think of her like this, snotty and blotchy and gross, if they’d still talk about her mouth when it’s contorted like this. If she’d still be as sexy to them if they saw what Julian’s seeing now.

Maybe she _should_ cry on camera someday. Maybe then there’d be less of those damn comments to deal with.

There’s a rushing in her ears, a pounding in her head, and her throat starts to go raw as violent gasps start to wrench their way out of her chest. She’s a mess, a hot mess, a disaster of a human being pretending to have her life together.

Why does _anyone_ even like her when _this_ was apparently still waiting just beneath the surface?

A fresh wave of hysterics rolls over her when Julian knocks on the door and mumbles her name against the wood, and she yanks the hand towel off the rack to run it under the sink, making a cold compress that she presses to her face with shaking fingers to muffle the sound of her sobbing. The cold usually helps, either to calm her or fight the throbbing tension headache that she gets with these sorts of episodes—but it doesn’t really do either, because Julian knocks on the door again, more insistently this time.

“Nox, sweetheart, please let me in. It sounds like you’re hyperventilating, you might pass out.”

She grinds something that vaguely sounds like, “' _S open_ ,” through a sob as she uneasily lowers herself to the floor, collapsing and pressing herself into the corner between the bathtub and the sink, hugging her knees to her chest and covering her mouth with the washcloth.

The door opens cautiously, and she flinches when his gaze lands on her, hiding her eyes behind her washcloth as he comes in, leaving the door open as he sits in front of her, leaning back against the tub. His shoulder brushes against her legs, and then she feels his forehead press against her knees, one large hand firm and warm on her thigh.

She leans back a little to look at the top of his head, and before she can think about what she’s doing, she hears herself mumbling his name.

“ _Ilya…”_

He lifts his head at the sound of it, and their eyes lock as she mumbles, muffled into her washcloth-covered hand, “ _Ilya, s-sorry_ — _I_ — _sorry, I’m sorry…”_

Her boyfriend shakes his head wordlessly, eyes soft as he reaches out with the hand he had on her leg, wiping some of her tears away with his thumb. All that does is make her eyes sting more, especially at the pain she can see clear on his face, and can’t he see how no good she is? Can’t he see how much she’s hurting him? That she isn’t worth all this? And she can’t even promise to be good enough in the sack to make up for it—

She’s selfish, she’s so selfish, but she just…

“ _Ilya? W-Will you h-hold me? Please, I—_ ”

He doesn’t even wait for her to finish, shifting immediately to curl around her, nudging himself between her face and her knees so that her crying is muffled by his shirt instead, strong arms tight around her as he presses a fervent kiss to the side of her head. She keeps one hand pressed to her mouth with the wet washcloth, but the other arm she manages to free just enough to slide it up his back and clutch him to her.

“I’ve got you,” she feels more than hears him say, a familiar rumble in his chest that breaks her heart. He’s so good to her. He deserves so much better than this. “It’s alright. It’s okay. You’re okay. Everything’s okay. I’ve _got you_.”

For a split second, she loves him so much that her chest actually hurts.

“ _I love you,_ ” she sobs into his chest, and that’s suddenly the only thing she _can_ say. “ _I love you, I love you_ —”

Julian rocks her a little bit, arms tightening at those words, as he mumbles right back, “I love you, too, _I love you, too._ I’m right here, darling, I’m not going anywhere, it’s alright. _Breathe_.”

Pressed this close, she can feel his heartbeat like it’s her own, steady and strong in his chest. He breathes a little more deeply as he holds her, and she does her best to focus on that as she struggles against her own mind, her own body. At some point, he begins to rub her back, slow and methodical, until she finally starts to relax.

He holds her until her hysterics subside, what feels like hours later, until she’s ruined his shirt, both with tears and snot and with the way her fingers kept clutching at his back. When she’s finally exhausted herself, as the worst of the panic attack fades, her ears are popping as he hesitantly leans away. He pulls gently at the washcloth she’d had clutched to her face for a majority of it, and leans over the edge of the tub to rinse it again.

She watches him wring it out, hiccuping softly as she lets her stuffy, aching head rest against the side of the tub where she’s still curled into a ball in the corner.

Julian smiles a little as he reaches out and uses the wet washcloth to wipe at her blotchy cheeks and clammy skin, fingers gentle under her chin as he turns her face this way and that, and they both giggle a little when he pinches her nose when he’s done. He lets her take the cloth when she reaches for it, still curled around her, resting his head on the side of the tub as well as he runs a hand gently up and down her thigh. As she presses the cold cloth to the back of her neck and focuses blankly on his shirt collar, he sighs and says so, so softly, “I love you.”

She sniffles, and stiffly says it back as if she hadn’t just been babbling the words as she sobbed into his chest. “Love you, too.”

They sit like that for a minute longer, as he lets her breath even out even more before he says quietly, “Please, talk to me.”

She sniffles again, hiccuping. “I don’t know h-how.”

“Just _tell_ me. Tell me what I did to upset you like this. Tell me what I did so I can put it right—”

She laughs bitterly, and somehow, even though she’s been crying on and off for hours, a few tears still manage to fall as she shakes her head. “Ilya, you d-didn’t do _anything_!”

“How do you expect me to believe that when you started crying the second I got home?” he asks, scoffing lightly. “You’ve been avoiding me all week. I’ve obviously done _something_ to upset you, so just _tell me_ —”

“I-I’m not upset with you!! I’m not! I’m u-u-upset with mys-self!” she snaps, and his mouth snaps shut in response, a muscle in his jaw jumping as he clenches his teeth. Her voice is barely there as she adds, “Not with you. Never with you.”

He sniffs, lets out a quiet breath as he asks, low and soft, “Why are you upset with yourself?”

She doesn’t know how else to say it, so she just lets the first thing that comes to her mind fall out of her mouth.

_“Because we haven’t had sex yet!”_

His jaw drops— _actually drops_ —and she groans, bringing her washcloth back to her face as her ears start to burn.

“Well… that’s… I… I don’t understand, Nox.”

She laughs dryly. “Join the club.”

“I don’t—I haven’t—Nox, if I’ve given you the impression that I’m getting, uh, _impatient_ or something, I’m so sorry. I’m not—I didn’t think either of us were ready for that yet.”

She sniffles again, peeking at him from over the top of her washcloth. His pretty grey eyes are shining with concern, thick brows drawn together, but he still tries to smile when he meets her gaze.

“...It’s stupid,” she says at length, looking away.

“It’s not stupid if it has you this upset, my love,” he says gently, and then his face twists thoughtfully. “What—What about the fact that we haven’t had sex yet is freaking you out, exactly? Is it—I mean, I know you, uhh, haven’t ever— _ahem_ —with a man, right? Is that what you’re worried about?”

She makes a face, smirking a little at the way his face goes red, and shrugs half-heartedly. “It’s not really that, it’s just that I don’t want—”

“—me?”

“—to disappoint you.”

He blinks.

Once, twice, and then his lips twitch.

“...What?”

“I’m afraid of disappointing you,” she repeats, and her ears burn a little hotter at how easy that sentence was. She didn’t really have to go through all of those hysterics for _that_ , did she?

Julian snorts.

“You know, it’s pretty much physically impossible for you to disappoint me, right?” he asks, grinning as he reaches up and brushes a piece of her hair away from her face. “Anytime you so much as breathe in my direction is a good time for me.”

Nox can feel herself blushing, even as she shakes her head. “That’s not true, Ilya.”

“It is true!” he laughs, leaning in and pressing a kiss to her forehead. “It’s the truth. I love you so much, everything you do is wonderful.”

“Well, maybe you won’t be disappointed at _first_ , but— _eventually_ …”

He blinks again, rapidly now, tilting his head at her. “What do you mean? What’s going to happen _eventually_?”

“Eventually you’re going to want the rest of your needs met,” she tries haltingly, “and I can’t—I don’t—I can’t hurt you, Ilya. I can’t.”

“Wha—wait, are we talking about _fetishes?_ You’re worried about _kinks_?”

Well, when he says it like _that_...

She grimaces, shaking her head, face hot as she tries to pull away and says, “Forget it.”

He grabs at her wrists, laughing and holding her in place. “No, sit down, we’re gonna talk about this. Nox, is that what this is about? The fact that I’ve mentioned that I’m into rough sex?”

Nox rubs at her eye and shrugs. “Kinda? I guess, yeah, you could put it that way.”

Julian laughs a little more, shaking his head. “ _Nox_ —”

“—stop laughing at me,” she mumbles, more of a reflex than anything, but he stops immediately, sobering up and going still.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Come on, talk to me. I promise I won’t laugh anymore—unless you laugh first.”

She snorts. “Okay. Um. It’s…” she bites her lip, looking away, trying to think of a way to say it that makes sense. “It’s just that—I’ve had this problem before, with my last relationship.”

Julian tilts his head. “The one from college?”

“Mhm. She was very—she was into I think a lot of the same stuff you’re into. Sort of. I think. And I wasn’t—hell, I wasn’t even interested in sex much at all, really, but I did it for her. I figured I would get used to it or something, over time, because it _was_ fun most of the time, and the times it wasn't were just... I don’t know, but eventually I ended up having a panic attack the first time we tried to do—that stuff. I tried, but I couldn't do it, and I told her that I couldn't do that to her, and that I didn’t really even want to have sex anymore for a while because I was so—I didn’t want her to touch me like that. I just wanted to go back to the way it was when we first started dating, but…”

Nox trails off when her voice catches. It’s been so long now, but this apparently still hurts.

“...it was fine for a little while, or at least I thought it was. One day, we were kissing and she—wanted to go farther. I said no, said that I didn't really want to have sex anymore at all because it was making me uncomfortable. She got mad, called me broken and basically said that asexuality isn't real, and that I needed to get over myself, because she deserved a _whole_ girlfriend. Said I obviously didn't care about her feelings, and that she didn't sign up for all this, and that I wasn't worth the trouble. And then she left. Just like that.”

“ _Nox…_ ”

Biting her lip, Nox wipes at the tears that well up again, finding the courage to meet her boyfriend’s gaze as she shrugs helplessly. “I guess I just don’t want that to happen to us, too. I don’t think my heart could take it if you left me like that.”

Julian shakes his head, cupping her cheeks and leaning in to press a firm kiss to her forehead, before he rests his own forehead against hers. His eyes slide shut and his brows furrow as he says fiercely, “ _That_ is _never_ going to happen.”

For what feels like the hundredth time today, Nox whimpers, tears sliding down her cheeks again.

“Listen to me—you could tell me right now that you never want me to touch you ever again, and I wouldn’t leave you over it. I _wouldn’t._  I love you way too much to just—to just _hurt_ you like that. Okay?”

She tries to pull away, reaching up to touch his hands on her face. “Ilya—”

“We don’t ever have to have sex. Ever. _Ever_. I need you to know that,” he says seriously, opening his eyes to look her dead in the eye. “What we have, just like this, right here, right now—this is all I could ever want. Anything you’re willing to give is enough for me. Hell, it’s _more_ than enough for me. Nox, I was happy to just be your best friend for the rest of my life! The fact that you want to date me in literally any capacity is more than I could have ever hoped for.”

He leans in and kisses the tip of her nose, smiling a little when she laughs weakly.

“I have gone— _several_ years without sex at this point, _more_ than several years actually because I was _so_ hung up on you that I literally just didn’t care to look for anyone else, so trust me when I say that I can go the rest of my life without it if it means I get to be with you. I’m in love with you. I just want to be with you, to be beside you. I want to talk with you and laugh with you and wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life.” He shrugs, smiling that crooked smile she loves so much. “That’s all. Everything else is just extra.”

They look at each other for a moment, as he strokes his thumbs across her cheekbones, smiling sweetly at each other, before Nox sniffles again.

“I do want… I want the extra stuff,” she mumbles. “I want you. I do. It’s actually the first time in my life I think I’ve felt this kind of attraction. I just don’t want you to get bored with me or—I don’t know. I just want you to be happy, Ilya.”

“ _I_ _am happy_ ,” he breathes, leaning in and kissing her on the lips for the first time since they’d left for work that morning, and the last bit of tension left in her chest finally releases. “I am so happy with you, Nox. I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy. _Please_ don’t think that you need to do anything but _be_ to keep me satisfied.”

She giggles a little. “You just need me to exist?”

“Yes!” Julian laughs, pressing a couple more kisses to her lips. “Yes, I just need you to be alive with me. That’s all.”

“Even though I’m selfish for not even being willing to try and that’s abusi—?”

“— _Stop._ ” Julian squishes her cheeks a little to stop her in the middle of her sentence, and they both giggle, a little delirious now. “There is nothing abusive about having boundaries. That is not how sexual relationships work. Everyone has boundaries and it’s shitty of your ex to have guilted you into sleeping with her and doing things that you didn’t want to do. You were not in the wrong for not being comfortable—she was in the wrong for not respecting that you weren’t comfortable. That’s just the truth. _And_ there is absolutely _nothing_ abusive about our relationship, either. You are nothing but good to me, Nox. I’ve been in bad relationships and this? This is the most healthy, most emotionally fulfilling, most _physically_ fulfilling relationship I’ve ever been in.”

Nox sniffles, lip wobbling. “You’re just saying that…”

“I’m not! You are so sweet to me, baby,” he says, and goosebumps prickle across Nox’s skin at the endearment, not expecting that word to fall from his lips. “Anyone who says otherwise is out of their damn mind. I have never felt so loved, so cherished, so _wanted_ … Nox, my love, every day I wake up expecting this to have all been a dream because I didn’t believe a relationship like this was possible. _Especially_ not possible for me.”

Nox’s eyes sting, and she lets out a quiet little huff as she says, “I’m sorry it took me so long to figure out what I was feeling. I’m sorry I was so stubborn because I thought people would get upset at me for changing my orientation. We could’ve been—”

“— _shhhh, shh shh shh_ ,” Julian shushes her, leaning in to kiss her again, once, twice, lingering each time. “We’re together now. That’s all that matters.”

“I love you,” she mumbles.

She can feel him smile into her lips.

“I love you, too.”

And he kisses her again, over and over, a thousand more sweet words hidden in every press of his lips. She can feel how much he meant what he said in the way he touches her, in the way he kisses her, and she knows he’s telling the truth.

And she loves him so much it almost feels like her chest is about to burst.

When he breaks away several minutes later, it’s with a gasp, both of them laughing into each other’s mouths, the tension that had been building between them since he moved in finally— _finally_ —gone. They sigh together, both sounding completely and totally relieved, as he grins, raising one dark eyebrow as he brushes her hair away from her face.

“Why don’t we go eat dinner, now, hmm? I went to the nice place on the other side of town.”

She snorts, but nods and lets him pull her to her feet. “Is that what made you so late?”

He kisses the top of her head as he chuckles. “You’d think, but the flowers were actually what took me a while. The florist took their sweet time when I asked for only hypoallergenic flowers.”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re the best boyfriend ever?”

“Actually, no. That’d be a first.”

“Well, you’re the best boyfriend _I’ve_ ever had.”

“Hah! I should hope so.”

Nox catches his hand as he drifts away from her in the kitchen, reeling him back in just for a moment, watching his eyes light up as he stumbles into her. “You’re also the best partner I’ve ever had, actually. By a longshot.”

He smiles down at her, cheeks rosy, squeezing her hand. “You’re the best partner I’ve ever had, too.”

He gives her one more solid kiss, before they finally break apart to warm up their food. She spends the rest of the night practically attached to him at the hip, curled up against his side while they watch tv and he traces little figures into her skin until she’s drifting off against his chest. She only wakes when he moves to get up, reaching for him while still half asleep only to almost shriek when he just scoops her up instead. He laughs as she clutches at his shoulders and giggles as he carries her into the bedroom and dumps her onto the mattress, jumping in after her just to listen to her laugh as she bounces from the impact.

They keep laughing as they settle in, bursting into giggles every few minutes until sleep finally takes them both, Nox finding herself lulled to sleep by exhaustion and the sound of Julian’s breathing and heartbeat from where she’s got her head resting on his chest. Kala also comes and climbs onto him some time in the night, curling up on his stomach and rumbling her contentment when he rests his hand on her back with the last of his consciousness.

He falls asleep with a smile on his face as he has both of his girls cuddled up to him, warm and safe and content.

And he couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

**Author's Note:**

> As far as fics go, this one is actually really important to their blossoming relationship. From the beginning of the game, pretty much, Nox (and I) has been very extremely worried about one pretty big thing—the fact that she genuinely cannot _do_... what Julian wants. 
> 
> She can't hurt him. She can't even _fathom_ the _idea_ of hurting him. She knows he likes it, and that it's not actually something to worry about, but she _can't_ and she hates herself for not being able to give him what he "needs." And thanks to The Discourse on the internet, she's been told by many people that this is a very bad, selfish, abusive thing. SO needless to say, for Nox and Julian's relationship to actually go anywhere, they really, really needed to have this talk. And Julian is a great boyfriend, and they're very in love, and it all worked out in the end.
> 
> Also, there were supposed to be emojis in the texts, but that broke AO3 and I can't figure out how to insert them so...
> 
> Come visit me on [tumblr](http://galpalaven.tumblr.com)!


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